High and Hello

     It is Easter. I am high, on this keyboard, Usher confessing in my headphones, and I have no idea why I started another blog, when the ones I have are all so under used... I am chalking up to a few things. Lonliness, depression, and two driving needs, connection, and creation. Writing is my go to when too much or not enough, is happening. Maybe I should count my silences in the blogs as a blessing, as it meant there was just the right amount of life being lived. Can you tell I am a libra yet? 

    Honestly, my drive to create something has had me bouncing between starting a podcast, for which I think I have a fun concept that would yield a product people would enjoy. I explained it to M a few weeks ago, but I am hesitant to start it. I low key hate my voice, and the concept involves more than one person so me talking for 30 minutes by myself is about the last thing i want.

    My brief moment in learning to draw also beckons. The pads and pencils are all still here, just waiting. While the thought of graphite stained shavings, reference videos, and endless lo fi playing for hours does sound like a great way to pass the evening, its not enough. Though I do miss the way the paper felt against my hand as I drew. Its almost the same as when I write to my pen pals. 

    I have a new job, its supposed to be embarassing, because fast food at my age, really? Honestly though, its minimal stress considering I know I do great work, highlighted by the poor performance of the teens running around with little professionalism or work ethic. The lack of pride in their work annoys me. I was a kid once though, so i get it. Ive been there less than four months and have heard my name and manager in the same sentence more times than I care to count. It is not out of the cards, but I am not trying to take on the job of wrangling a crew that takes no joy in the job. 

    I also started an Onlyfans. It is an interesting choice, bold, for me. It yields a small but charming amount each month and it is slowly growing in content. The thing is, I am realizing I don't really want to have sex for fun right now, and that kind of stalls things with the porn making. Also, if your'e a top who doesn't know and appreciate what a man has to do to prep for what hopefully will not be an underwhelming dick down, change your ways, or move on. This blog wont be for you. :)

    I want to go on a date. I want to spend an evening getting to know someone new, or someone I've been wanting to get to know better. I am wrestling with asking a someone or two out, because I dont feel like my genuine and caring heart and warm but sometimes awkward personality are really much to offer, but they are all I have, I don't know, I guess it takes a specific kind of man to see me and my worth, and that is who I want to be around. 

    I need to get some things under control. I have a window, a small opportunity, to make a head start. It really just requires me pushing myself. I need to get into it, I just keep letting small things interrupt my energy, and I fall back down into it. I really want to get up, and be better. I feel like being done with the same struggle, and moving on. I feel like I keep walking up tp the point and just looking at the line I want to cross, but I wait...