I am.... missing Leo

    

I really do miss this fool. I guess there is still a part of me that is heartbroken that our paths moved so differently, and so quickly, after he was my closest friend in Saint Louis, for years. I drew this picture of him during a quieter part in our friendship. Covid had hit, he and his long term partner had split, and on the eve before that split, he and I shared an evening out after I saw RENT with a friend. I was never more inspired to own a night, and with his partners permission, Leo was allowed to explore other options for an evening. That night, when he kissed me on the dance floor for the first time, under the flashing lights and throbbing bass, we took our first steps down the path, that would end us. 

My friendship with Leo started through Scruff. We chatted for a couple of weeks, knowing geographically we were neighbors. Eventually I invited him and his dog to join Akasha and myself for a walk in Tower Grove Park. We ended up spending the next ten hours walking, and talking, and eating, and the connection, the chemistry, was as thick as peanut butter. I asked him about it over the years, and he admitted to feeling it too. Our talks were always open and honest, even when they were not easy conversations. Even with the rarely acknowledged attraction, our friendship became something worth treasuring. 

It is amazing how you can blind yourself in devotion. The truth of it is, Leo was dedicated, bold, confident, artistic, and the person I saw inside was just as beautiful as the one on the outside. He was also vain, arrogant, conceited, and I could see it, hear it, and ignore it, because he was my friend and I knew that under all that he was a better person too. It was less easy to keep that in mind as he pulled away when I fell into a deep depression. He was within his rights as an individual to protect his energy, just as I was right to realize that someone who leans on you for years, crosses all the lines he drew, in an attempt to decide the future of his relationship, and then treated me like i was a fool. Maybe i was, i did move in with him. I was excited for all the reasons. I won't even lie, I even half hoped the evening we had started, would some day find its conclusion under closer, freer, living conditions. 

Made the mistake of discussing that with some friends. One of them turned around and mentioned it to him while they were out one night and ran across each other. That bit me in the ass, and I wont lie, it did some damage to the trust I had for my closer friends. I have two now, and I still speak to them freely, but it is much easier to contain your shit, when very very few people know select parts of it. 

You may be wondering why I am blogging about Leo and the fall out of our friendship. Well, I miss him. Like I said. I went on an adventure today, to walk through Forest Park headed for the Saint Louis Zoo. I had my music, my weed, my camera, but nobody to tag along with me. That was him. He was my adventure body. He would decorate the city with his spray paint cans, we would run our mouths, and just vibe off of the moment. 

So I missed him, and will, probably for way longer than he will ever realize. I am thankful for our time, the level of pain in the fall out will stay with me for a while, but I still hope he will be ok on his journey.